I have a number of neuro-divergent traits and one of them is so newly recognised that even its name appears to be up for grabs. It was first introduced to me as ‘anauralia’ and there are a number of scientific papers to support that name, but there are also papers recommending that it be called ‘anendophasia’. There could be some differences – I don’t know, I’m no scientist so I’m going to stick with ‘anauralia’.
So what is this? “No inner voice” is one way of describing it. For me, I simply say that I prefer not to think inside my head. It’s easier for me to think by typing or talking.
It appears to be linked to aphantasia, and especially with those who have multi-sensory aphantasia who are not only unable to visualise in their mind, but also can’t recreate the smell of their favourite food; the taste of ice cream, what it feels like to stroke an animal or even to hear the voice of loved ones or a favourite song inside their heads. With anauralia, we can’t even hear our own voice in our heads.
I do actually ‘think’ inside my head, but I don’t hear anything; I don’t necessarily understand my thoughts in the terms of words. I sometimes sub-vocalise my thoughts, but frequently I think of thinking as a subliminal process. It’ll either happen without any conscious input from me (which is great when I need to write because I just sit on the concept, whatever that may be, and when the time is right, the words just flow and all I have to do is go back and do a little bit of editing!) or I talk aloud which can be confusing if it’s in the middle of a conversation with someone because even the rubbish stuff I need to discard gets verbalised!
When I read of the Buddhist understanding about thoughts I became a little confused.
Thoughts have no birthplace. They pop out of nowhere.
This I can understand. I’m sure that everyone (including those of us with anauralia) have experienced the weird and wonderful stuff that seem to just materialise out of nowhere. It’s my default mode!!
Thoughts are nevertheless unceasing.
This one was a little confusing for me. My mind is silent. And I have learned, especially when meditating, that I have a kind of ‘off switch’ that can take that silence a step deeper. It’s like turning off the subliminal aspect.
I’ve heard of people who have minds that never stop; that always have an inner monologue rolling along inside their heads. This is so alien to me! No wonder people have difficulty when learning to meditate. Or going to sleep!
They appear but are not solid.
This is the aspect of thoughts that makes the most sense to me. Thoughts are not real. They are suppositions based on knowledge, experience, fear, worry, expectations and hopes. You cannot take thoughts out of your head and put them on the kitchen bench to examine them. Even if I do, kind-of, do that by typing my thoughts, they are still just ideas put onto a computer screen. You cannot hold thoughts in your hands.
There is nothing solid to react to.
So, if they pop out of nowhere and they have no literal existence that you can hold in your hands, why do we get so worked up about some of them? Why do we give them such power over ourselves? Especially the ‘What if” kind of thought?
I’ve been caught in that “What if…” loop no end of times – even with only a subliminal thinking process. My journal has days, weeks, months and even years where I am processing the What Ifs. It’s where many fears are birthed.
I don’t think there are any answers here. It’s just thoughts about thoughts, which can be really confusing. They can be so HEAVY!! Yet they are ephemeral. There is nothing solid to grasp.
Ahhh… Just food for thought. I’m off to flick that off-switch in my subliminal thought processes. See you next week….
Stories and More from Auri'An 