Category: 2025

Pain and Angels

22.11.2025

2025

It’s been a strange couple of days.

Chronic pain, in one form or another, has been with me for most of my life. In the very early years it could be said to have been self-inflicted… I was a ballet dancer and pain seemed to go with the joy of dance. Bleeding toes, cramped feet, over-stretched – over tired muscles….

After the birth of my daughter, I moved into the world of fitness: 1980’s aerobics. My body was stronger, more flexible than at any other time in my life. I was at my physical pinnacle but, inevitably, the price was paid in the pain of an over-extended body.

Just before my first husband died in the late 1990’s, I collapsed on the floor of the bathroom in the most agonising pain of my life. I lay paralysed on that floor for hours, and started a period of my life when I never knew if I would be able to trust my body. Pain was an inescapable part of survival which I had no choice but to ignore. To give in to that pain, to move into the wheelchair recommended by the medical folk, would also have meant the loss of my job and, ultimately, my home. Many, many people walk that tightrope of ignoring body pain in order to survive.

Pain is a part of the human condition. I cannot imagine a world in which even a single person has travelled without knowing what pain feels like. And it is not just physical pain – emotional pain equally travels through life with us.

Pain can also be an amazing teacher. Yes, it can lead us into the world of fear, of overwhelm, of anger, of tears and despair, loneliness and aloneness. But it can also teach us acceptance, tolerance, forgiveness. It can show us our strengths, our compassion, the amazing levels of endurance the human body is capable of and the strong desire of survival.

Recently, I entered a world where the many facets of pain are constantly faced – a major hospital. The decades of pain from the physical overuse of my body, and the contributing affects of emotional pain have caught up and I was booked to have surgery – one of those ranked in the top five most painful surgeries. More pain to endure, but with the expectation of, eventually, less and the blessing of on-going independence.

Hospitals are places of extremes, places where the majority of the people passing through the portals are hurting in some manner, but it is also a place where many human angels can be found. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to get out of bed and go to work in a place filled with every form of pain you can imagine – and some! These human angels come in the forms of surgeons, doctors, nurses, administrators, porters, cleaners, cooks, physiotherapists, counsellors, baristas….. the list is extensive. A major hospital is a small city devoted to the easing of pain.

I entered hospital on Monday at 6.00am. I was booked to have a reversed left shoulder replacement. By 8.30am I was prepped and wheeled into theatre and the procedure was started. It didn’t happen. Everything, apparently, screeched to a halt when it was discovered that the prosthetic was ‘contaminated’.

I have no idea what was meant by the term ‘contaminated’. I don’t need to know – my mind can make all the possible scenarios it wants to, but the truth is I am just relieved that the problem was discovered before the surgeon’s scalpel pierced my skin. That could have been disastrous.

I have watched the reaction of other people. I have seen them feel my disappointment but, perhaps, not my Peace. Yes, shit happened – but it could have been so much worse. I have absolutely no doubt that behind the scenes there will be an enquiry and I hope that such an enquiry will result in greater understanding about what happened so that it can be avoided in the future. I still have an arm and I have had the amazing experience of seeing angels walking this earth, dealing with the pain, the suffering, the fear with a smile, a compassionate touch, a reassuring word or two.

Things happen in this world of ours, this world filled with all manner of pain, but I also see opportunity. When we see others in pain we have an opportunity to grow. Sometimes that involves the dedication of those who work to help others – and sometimes it is just a smile which says “I see you. You are not alone.”

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ALL OUR YESTERDAYS

21.09.2025

2025

What happened to yesterday?

And how did we suddenly find ourselves on a roller-coaster heading at high speed towards Christmas?

Many of us are still recovering from February!!

Yes, I know I am getting older, and I have been warned all my life that time will become a lot more slippery as the number of candles on my birthday cake increases, but really? This is ridiculous!

You’d think that because I no longer give blood, sweat and tears to the daily grind, I’d be wondering how to fill all the extra hours that suddenly appeared when I stopped working. It turns out that it is really easy. No more eating on the run – I can sit and relax, read my book, take a nap, or catch up with memories on Face Book, even doom-scroll without any guilt at all.

I live In Far North Queensland and almost every day I talk on the phone with a friend who lives in Texas, USA. Currently there’s a 15 hour time difference between us so it’s a good job she is a night owl and I am a morning person – or I was until I retired and my body realised that there was no real reason to get up at sparrow fart any more and burn my tongue gulping down super hot coffee before hurtling out the door to catch a bus… I can relax, take my time, savour the aroma, and talk with my friend on the other side of the world.

Talking with my friend is like time-travelling. Here, in Queensland, I might be drinking my coffee on a Wednesday morning, but at the same time she is shopping in Walmart on Tuesday afternoon! It’s both easily explainable and highly amusing at the same time. Conversations with someone who is standing in the check-out line – yesterday!! That’s weird.

I once heard an explanation as to why time seems to speed up as we get older. It’s not so much that we are on the slippery slope side of life, as the distance we have to look backwards. What I was told was:

When you are ten years old, ten years represents your entire life.

When you are 20 years old, ten years is half of your life.

When you are 50 years old, ten years is only a small fraction of your life.

And if you are still around at 100 years, then ten years is like yesterday.

So when I ask the question, What happened to yesterday? it’s a lot less rhetorical nowadays than when I was 20!!

Luckily, I am an avid writer, and daily writing in my journal is something rarely missed, but when my Texan friend asks “What’ve you been doing?” my mind frequently goes into a high dive… what have I been doing? And when? My time or her time – which is yesterday for me.

Yes. I know. I’m weird. But so is time.

It’s really slippery. It can be yesterday and today both at the same time.

Don’t ever tell me that time travel is impossible, because I just wont believe you. I do it every day!

Thank you for reading my words. Let me know about any funny or weird experiences you have had with time.

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A Magic Day

13.09.2025

2025, Journeys Two

There is magic in the air – if you know where to look and, more importantly, how to look. The last two hours of my life have been filled with such magic.
It started mid-afternoon when I went into my meditation room. I chose a green crystal to hold, had my phone next to me ready to play Thich Naht Hanh’s Great Bell Chant, and I made myself comfortable on my kneeling chair in front of my altar with its crystals, and statues of Lord Ganesha, Hanuman, White Tara and Kwannon. I moved into meditation with the intention and hope that humanity could learn how to bring Peace from the current chaos many of us live within.
I recalled the feel of the chaos that had coloured most of my life and I compared that to the peace I now am able to feel. I wished that humans everywhere could learn to bring such peace into their lives. Then I moved deeper into my meditation. Half an hour later I returned feeling a calmness within my heart and I moved outside to my bright yellow, hand-made wooden rocking chair on my back deck overlooking the garden.
Still in that calm inner place, I sat and looked at the old lady of my garden – a mango tree which had been planted in 1864. She is in flower and looks magnificent. I closed my eyes and lifted my face to the gentle breeze coming off the ocean and the feel of the sun on my face.
In that ongoing state of peace I listened to sounds of life around me: the barking dog, traffic on the road in front of my house; passers-by talking, the birds singing. It’s spring here in Far North Queensland and the birds are very vocal. When I opened my eyes, I saw a fairy.
It had wings, two legs and lots of feathers – it was a Fairy Wren. A tiny bird, barely bigger than a butterfly. It flew away into the mango tree, but it left that feeling of magic with me.
I went inside and decided to shower. My bathroom is next to the kitchen and I left the door between the two rooms open. In the shower, I suddenly realised that I was not only covered in water but in all the colours of the rainbow. This was a blessing from an old friend from the past.
Many years ago this friend had gifted me with a string of crystals to be hung in a window to catch the sun. I have lived in over 20 houses since that gift was given and the crystal string has been placed to capture the sun in each home. In this house it hangs in the window over the kitchen sink. Today, the late afternoon sun, at exactly the right time, sent a beam of light through the lush leaves of lychees trees which shade the house and straight into that small window; the sun bounced off the crystals, changing direction to hit a water filter in another part of the room and from there the reflection had bounced again, straight through the door between kitchen and bathroom, at exactly the right angle to be able to travel the distance to where I was showering and for several moments I glowed with rainbow light.

We think magic is special. It is, because when we are open to the magic of our world and we are able to recognise it, it affects us deeply. It affects us on a soul level and for a short while we feel the peace that we seek. There is magic in the call of a bird. There is ancient magic in the majesty of a mango tree almost 200 years old. Just think of the stories she could tell – if we have the magic ability to stop and truly listen.
The magic in a beam of light is always there, just not always visible to our eyes. We see it in the rain drops which form a rainbow, we see it in a child’s eyes; a budding flower, a playful puppy. We walk in that magic light each and every day. It is all around us if we can but look – not only with our eyes, but with our hearts.

May you be surrounded by peace.
May you travel through your world aware of the peace around you.
May you be instrumental in bringing peace to those around you.
Ashirvad Shanti – Blessings of Peace.

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Grandmother Crow

08.09.2025

2025, Animal Medicine, Short Stories

“Forty-three! Forty-three generations of my family have lived in these woods, and now, all one hundred and seventy four of us are homeless.” Grandmother Crow, lineage keeper of her family was angry. How can she pass on The Knowledge of the Family when the family no longer has a place to call home.

She turned around and looked at the devastation of the woods. Men stomping all over her home territory, machinery digging holes, pushing down trees, demolishing homes, places of safety for so many, and all of the men being so very disrespectful.

“Forty-three generations. Lost.”

She moved to the edge of the land which had been her family home and called loudly for a conclave. When all were gathered together, it was an amazing sight. No-one had been injured or killed, the Watchers had been very vigilant and able to give good warning, but now, the way forward must be planned. And she needed to share The Knowledge to several others who would be able to lead the way towards finding a new home.

In the conclave, Grandmother Crow summoned the seven oldest, most advanced acolytes and in a complicated dance of sharing, she passed The Knowledge to each of them that it may not be lost. No longer was she the queen of her family. When the ceremony was complete, she turned and quickly left the devastation behind.

Hours later, weary, lonely, Grandmother Crow settled into a tree far from her home territory. She was very tired, but most of all she was filled with melancholy. Hours later she was woken by a giant eagle landing in the tree.

“Grandmother Crow,” the eagle said, “are you alright? You seem despondent.”

Grandmother Crow sighed. “Yes, Brother Eagle, I am finding the ways of men to be uncaring and destructive. My home is destroyed, my family scattered, and I am not sure where to go from here.”

They sat in silence for a while before Brother Eagle spoke. “Grandmother, I am Eagle, I fly high in the heavens and look down on the tiny lives of humans. I, and my brethren have seen much which even you and your family would consider to be amazing. If you are no longer anchored to this part of the wood, why don’t you fly high too and see what else of wonder you can find?”

Grandmother Crow looked at Eagle and for the first time since the men had destroyed her home and scattered her family, she felt a small pulse of excitement. “Brother Eagle, you have amazing sight and you are wise. I will take your advice, and fly high. Thank you.”

Brother Eagle dipped his head and with a flap of his large wings, he jumped into the sky, then after circling above for a while, he flew away, far into the distance.

Grandmother Crow watched him until he disappeared from sight, then she too leapt off her branch, flapped her wings, and rose into the sky. In large curving spirals, she climbed higher, and ever higher. The earth fell away beneath her and the sky began to turn dark, yet still she climbed.

Grandmother Crow entered into The Void. A place where all is just potential. Nothing is there until thought brings it into the world of existence. At first she just continued flying, without thought, but very soon thoughts moved into her head and she realised that she needed companionship, crows are never meant to live alone. Another spiral higher and thought came again into her head from The Void: her family would already be setting up new homes, making new hierarchies without her. Where could she go? A third thought came into her mind I will go to the opposite side of the world and see what is there.

And so, Grandmother Crow, started to spiral downwards again, through the darkness of all potentiality into clean, bright light. She could feel the warmth healing her body, and very soon she could see an ancient forest in a land very different from her home. Her future was now filled with limitless potential.

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Back to work

23.06.2025

2025

A few years ago I underwent a long and very intense past life regression with my Teacher, Essence Ka tha’ras. I transcribed the recording, which went for many hours, and realised that whilst many people would consider such a powerful experience to be pure bunkum, they may enjoy the story if it were to be written as a novel, and so, in the middle of 2024 my fifth book was birthed.

Everything was going really well. A first novel is normally 60,000 – 80,000 words long and at the beginning of this year I was right on track with just over 31,000 words written.

Then came the floods, followed by multiple health issues, and many other distractions, and I now suddenly find myself six months on and nothing more written.

It’s not that the heart of the story has left me – far from it- it’s more that the distractions have taken over… and that needs to change. I need to change if I want to complete this book – and, believe me I do.

So I am pulling back, away from social media, away from doom-scrolling through You Tube, even away from this blog for a while.

I will be back, and there will be likely a flood of articles – because I won’t stop writing, I just want to move away from the pressure of needing to get something out on time!

I’m aiming to get this book written, and at least one edit done by the end of the year, so I am unlikely to be back before early next year. Maybe, if you like my work, you could take the time to explore older offerings.

Through all the ups and downs of life… just stop every now and then and BREATHE.

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To sleep….or not

21.06.2025

2025, Journeys Two

It’s the middle of the night. I’ve given up on sleep and have come to my desk for an hour or so of doom-scrolling on Facebook in the hope that I would get so bored with the frequent drivel on there that I would be able to return to my slumber, when I noticed that a friend – who is becoming well known around the world for her work with educating hypnotherapists how best to work with people who have Aphantasia – had made a very interesting and relevant post.
She has Aphantasia and ADHD – both things I relate to – and she was on a work trip, desperately needing some good-quality sleep but finding it very elusive.
She asked, on her Facebook group, “Are you a good or bad sleeper?” She asked several more questions about what issues people may have and, just as an added bonus, are you ADHD?

2.18am. I read this, and my mind kicked into overdrive.

I know that there are several factors that need to come together for me to fall asleep and stay there, but I’ve never listed them. At least, not all at once and in the same place. You are very vulnerable when you are asleep, and opening up and sharing your quirks could make you feel more so, but for me, when I listed and read all the quirks I have about sleeping, it became kind of hilarious, like a slap-stick comedy where the pies keep flying across the room! Hmmm… but, at this time of the night, it sounds like a good and relevant, middle-of-the-night-can’t-sleep distraction.
So I responded with a short version of what I need for a good night’s sleep. You, dear reader, get the full version!

EVERYTHING has to be just right.
I am ADHD and Autistic…. so I do mean everything has to be just right. You’ll see what I mean as you read on…

The room has to be at the right temperature.
There are so many variables hidden in that sentence. I like the room to be at 27C. If it’s 28C I’ll consider putting the air conditioner on, but I need to take into consideration that the temperature may drop overnight so the remote needs to be next to my bed. If it’s lower than 27C, I need to consider the availability of extra bIankets. It’s not just a specific temperature degree that matters, it’s also the air flow. I hate the ceiling fan – the air movement is too constant so I prefer open windows with a naturally variable breeze blowing in, except I live next door to a small supermarket and their air conditioner is on the roof right next to my bedroom. It’s noisy and it cuts out every 30 seconds, for about 10 seconds, and then starts up again. It is absolutely designed to be annoying. Beyond annoying. Especially for someone who can hear the fridge two rooms away! If I thought it would make a difference, especially at 2 o’clock in the morning, I’d throw something at it!

The covers have to be at the right weight
This is why the temperature needs to be 27C. At 27C I can sleep with just a sheet over me. Any hotter and I have cover issues because it is essential that something covers my shoulders. My feet can poke out, but the shoulders have to be protected. Colder is easier.. I love a heavy blanket. It feels safe, secure, protected. But I live in the Wet Tropics where anything below 20C is friggin’ freezing and winter? That lasts about two weeks if we are lucky.
And, just to complicate things, the sheets have to have the right texture. Flannelette – not a chance! Microfibre – the only thing that is suitable for is ripping up and weaving into rugs! The only sheets I like are the really good quality cotton ones that cost a fortune!

Pillows
This is a subject I should probably leave well alone other than to say I have about 20 pillows of various thickness, shape, filling, firmness or squishyness, and which ones are used, and how many of them it takes to make the perfect nest, depends on even more variables!

Then we get to the important stuff.
I have about six different eye masks. I’ll have a favourite one for a while, and then it doesn’t feel right for whatever reason. Why do I need them? Well…. you know the little green light on the smoke alarm? And the little red one that flashes to let you know it’s working if you hadn’t already worked it out from the green light? And the same kind of light on the air conditioner and the dayglow luminescence of the bedside clock? And the outside light that filters around the curtains? Every single one of these feels like a spotlight aimed at my hypothalamus telling me it’s time to wake up.

And then there is the door. All the doors. They need to be closed. And the door into the bedroom MUST NOT be visible from where I lie in my bed. I tell you, I have all kinds of issues arranging furniture in my bedroom. The head of my bed needs to be pointing to the East, but not against a wall which may have water pipes in it, and, of course, that entrance door into my bedroom must not, ever, be in my field of vision.

Then, there is the absolute essential ingredient to a good night’s sleep…. my plushie elephant to cuddle.

And finally, the reason I am awake, right now in these early hours, is because of the moon. As I write this, she’ll be full in three days’ time. And every month, for a few days before full moon, my body reminds me of my connection with this beautiful Goddess of the night sky by waking me up!!

Thank you for reading my work. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I have enjoyed writing it. It’s always fun laughing at your own idiosyncrasies!
Comment if you have anything that must be just right for a good night’s sleep.
And if you feel so inclined, consider subscribing so you don’t miss out.

Every Breath In brings Peace and calmness
Every Breath Out, releases pain and anxiety

Every breath in, every breath out

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Finding Peace

07.06.2025

2025, Journeys Two

Sometimes I can be really dense, and I am sure that my guides, fate, destiny, or whatever else you want to call it, must throw their hands up in the air in despair of me ever stopping to listen. I’m pretty sure my Spiritual Guru does the same thing. In some things I am definitely a slow learner.

I’ve been on my conscious spiritual journey for almost 11 years and have been seriously studying for the past 10 years. At the beginning of that journey, before I found my Teacher, most things I experienced were both exiting and frequently terrifying at the same time, but as my knowledge grew, I understood, with quiet certainty, that this is where I am meant to be.

About three years ago, there was a drastic change in my path. I’d become comfortable where I was. I had reached a minor level of ‘notoriety‘ as I, and another colleague, assisted our Teacher on various media platforms, and I thought it was only a matter of time until I too started to fly high.

Oh, how the mighty fall…..

In one very memorable session with my teacher, my world crashed down when I realised that I was not going any further until I had cleared all the stuff that was restricting my growth. That ‘stuff’ was all the baggage of my entire life: fear, squashed down anger, and so much more which had been hidden, even from me, by a mask of uncontrolled Ego and a vast amount of misunderstanding.

I changed focus and started to withdraw in order to work on this incredibly difficult problem of finding out who I am without my wounds. I had no idea who I might be beneath the mask I’d worn all my life, and this journey of discovery and acceptance has been very difficult with many occasions where I have been pushed almost to the point of giving up and walking away.

Since then I have come to understand so much as I have worked through the cloud of fear I existed in for almost 70 years, until, just a few short weeks ago, it seemed as if I had finally burst my way out of that dense cloud and found sunlight.

My teacher has been the driving force behind my continued growth and understanding. She stayed with me through meltdowns, anxiety, and despair. She has pushed me where I didn’t want to look, backed off when I got too close to the edge, and then talked for days about recipes for baking bread, the weather, and the goings on in her family, until I was ready to return to my work. She has been my task-master and my rescuer in my search for what I need in my life.

That search was for something I had never experienced before – Inner Peace.

I have admired Thich Nhat Hahn for a number of years, but knew little about him. I could feel his peaceful energy, but was too wound up in my own turbulence to take much notice, until a few weeks ago when it appeared as if everywhere I turned, I was being pointed in the direction of this great man. I have learned that when Spirit points you towards a Teacher, you really should take notice because you are being offered an opportunity not to be missed if you are serious about your growth.

And so I read one of his books, watched videos on You Tube, and downloaded the Plum Village app. There was one thing that constantly came to my attention: the Great Bell. I listened to the Great Bell Chant for hours and when I read about the practice of monks and lay people stopping whatever they were doing, just for a minute or so whenever they heard a bell ring, and using that time to bring themselves back to peace and calmness, I knew this was a practice I needed.

There are many apps available which sound a Mindfulness Bell, and I tried a couple of them before settling on the Plum Village Mindfulness Bell – after all, Plum Village is the centre point of Thich Nhat Hahn‘s teachings. I chose which bell sound I preferred and set the time for it to ring every 30 minutes from 7.30am to 7.30pm.

For the first day or two, I just stopped and took a deep breath each time I heard the bell; breathing in Qi, breathing out whatever I did not want to carry any more: fear, anger, pain. Then I started reciting some words from Thich Nhat Hahn

Listen. Listen. This miraculous sound brings me to my true home.

Of course, being me, I had to dwell on what “my true home” meant to me. It is the place of peace within me that has been lost, hidden, for so many years. Slowly, over the following days, I began to find this place of peace. I couldn’t hold the Energy for very long, but simply knowing that Peace was within me was a huge step forward in my healing.

Then came the day when I started to get angry at the constant interruptions of the Bell when I was trying to work on other things. That was when I added more lines to the words I recite each time the Bell rings.

Listen, listen, this wonderful sound brings me back to my true self.
Body, Spirit, and Mind in perfect oneness
I send my heart along with the sound of the Bell
May the hearers awaken from forgetfulness and transcend all pain and sorrow.

My Teacher had found this gathas, and I felt such amazing compassion, love, and peace as I spoke the words for the first time, that I now recite it with almost every ringing of the Bell. I also acknowledge that I am human and that there will be times when I am deep in other work, and so I give myself permission to simply take a conscious breath.

A few days ago, a potential in my life opened up. A return to a version of the path which had triggered fear three years ago. Not the same path, but one which walks beside the original. Its not the same path because I am not the same person and I have no intention of returning to that fear-filled, ego-driven version of me, that was disguised by the mask I’d worn all my life.

I have found, in returning to the work which is written in my Codex, that elusive deep Inner Peace, and so far, I have held it within me for several days. I recognise that things will happen where I will lose connection to my Inner Peace, but now I know that it is there.

I’ve found it. I’ve found my Inner Peace.

It was never lost, it had just never had the opportunity to grow.

And the Bell rings every 30 minutes to bring me back to my true self.

Thank you for reading my meanderings and I truly hope you too can find your Inner Peace

Exploring life and spirituality through a neurodivergent mind

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Kookaburra

31.05.2025

2025, Animal Medicine, Journeys Two

Its been a long time since I last wrote of a message from the animal kingdom, mainly because I have been delving deeply into the issues in my own life journey, which meant, that for the past three years or so, I have been very focused on the fears which have ruled my life: learning first to recognise and understand the problems, then to move beyond, and eventually to heal the fundamental issues at the core of that fear.

Fear has ruled since my youngest memories and my journey of understanding led to the publication of my first book, Hidden In A Dark Place, and the discovery of my neurodivergence. That explained so much and became the turning point in my understanding of why I was afraid.

I wanted to find Inner Peace, but it has been so elusive. A few weeks ago Thich Nhat Hahn came into my life and started to move my journey in a slightly different direction, one where I found myself able to retain mindful awareness for longer than just a few minutes. Now, as I sit at my desk writing this, I am allowing the words to flow and with them I can feel Energy of Stillness moving into the text. There is no anxiety, no tension, no worry and above all, no fear.

Birds are my most frequent animal messengers. There is kite, Willie Wagtail, cockatoos, black butcher birds, ibis, sunbirds, doves, bush stone curlews, and this morning, for the first time since moving to this old cottage I now call home, a female kookaburra came calling. She sat on my washing line, just looking at me for the longest time, and I knew that she was not here just to say “Hi there,” but that she had brought some deeper knowledge for me to understand and share.

The message was that fear is always a part of life. Every bird knows fear, but that doesn’t stop the bird from flying to the heavens and experiencing the joy of the breeze that lifts it up. Every bird knows fear, but still they sing their joy. They share their joy with the world, simply by sitting on a washing line and reminding a human like me that I had stopped listening. That we have stopped listening to the Joy in our world.

Instead we focus on the hard stuff, politics and hatred, the differences we each carry, we focus on drama and trauma and the untruths that feed our fears.

Its time to stop and listen. It’s time to listen to the birds and to feel the breeze. Its time to put aside fear and seek the joy in life,- and there is much to be joyful about.

I have a bell sound that rings on my phone every 30 minutes throughout the day. Every time it rings, I stop whatever I am doing. I stop and I listen to this sound which reminds me of what I seek: Inner Peace. I take a deep breath in, bringing in to my body what it is I seek, and when I breath out, I release the pain, the anger and, yes, the fear. Another breath and I feel the wonderful calmness of what was missing from my life for so long. Peace.

Every breath in. Every breath out.

Thank you for reading this, and it would be fantastic if you could subscribe

Type your email…

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TABLET TRAVELS

17.05.2025

2025, Journeys Two

It can be a lot of fun watching the transit details of a package being posted to you. Especially when you live in rural Australia.

Australia Post has an “Express Delivery” system where there is guaranteed next day delivery for most urban areas, with a faster than normal service for rural and remote areas. I live rural, so I wasn’t expecting much!!

A couple of weeks ago it was time to review my laptop situation. The battery needs replacing, and so too do most of the keys on the keyboard. At the moment I can only see letters Q, W, F, G, J, K, Z and X. All the rest are totally worn off. Luckily I am an old-fashioned touch typist and was trained to type without being able to even see the keys on the old-fashioned clunky manual typewriters that we had access to. This laptop has seen me through many ups and downs of my life and into its impartial memory I have typed my woes, my fears, my joys, my crocheting patterns. My published books were birthed here and this blog has been built upon those missing keyboard letters.

There comes a time when even the best of things have to retire and a couple of weeks ago I realised that my laptop was at that point. With that realisation also came my phone bill and knowledge that I had just about paid off my phone…. Whoo hoo… let’s go shopping!

After a few days of researching on You Tube I decided that as I am a heavy user, I needed a heavy duty replacement. I’m also almost 70 and I need to be able to see the screen, so I made my decision. I’m going all out on a tablet which I hope will last me a huge chunk into my remaining years – the Samsung Galaxy S10 Ultra. Hugely excited I placed my order and was assured that it would arrive in 2-3 days.

It’s now 12 days and I have had such fun (or not) watching the tracking information. The tablet set off from Sydney, heading towards Brisbane on the same day it was actually supposed to be delivered to me. From there it came north to Ingham, a small town to the south of where I live. It sat there for a couple of days and the next tracking info was that it was in Innisfail – a bigger town about 2 hours drive north of me. That was two days ago. It’s got to be arriving soon I thought!! Hmmm.. Nope – for some inexplicable reason it wound up going all the way to Townsville – 2.1/2 hours drive south of me.

What makes this so much fun is that there is only one road you can travel up here in the Far North of Queensland. There is no other road unless you want to drive inland which is definitely not advised. In all its journeys back and forth between towns south of me and north of me, my tablet had to have been travelling that one road – and my house is on that road! My tablet has been blithely sailing back and forth in front on my house for the past several days. It’s travelled, according to Google, roughly 2,892.6km!!

I finally made the decision to phone the transport company and see what has happened and when I might expect delivery. As I went in search of the phone number, my doorbell rang. It was the transport guys with my tablet!!!

And that is why my blog is a little late today!

Whoo-hoo…. Time to play!

Thank you for reading

Auri’An Lay

Exploring life and spirituality through a neurodivergent mind

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Growth

10.05.2025

2025, Journeys Two

I wrote this prose in September 2024. I’m not sure what was going through my mind at the time – and I don’t really want to know – but as I read this again today, I could feel the pain which filled that earlier version of me, and I smile in wonderment as I see the growth in me since that time.

I have a hole in my heart, a place where all those I love are not.

It gapes, it burns, it tears me into a billion tiny flames that flare at the most inopportune times

Like now – as I try to sleep, in the dark hours of the night.

I have a hole in my heart where those I love used to be.

They tore themselves away, leaving gaping wounds of worry and misery, of pain and confusion

And now my heart will not let me sleep

It’s because I am different and nobody knew, not even me, the reasons why.

And so my life was filled with many pin-pricks to my heart that

Were never allowed to heal because no-one understood that they were there.

Each pin-prick has left a scar – and there are thousands of them

But the scar tissue hasn’t hardened, it hasn’t toughened me up

If anything this hole is where my fears lurk, waiting for my vulnerability to push itself forward. Again.

I now know why life was so confusing, so filled with pain.

Why I was bullied, tormented, dominated, abandoned. Why I cry, why I forget, why I tremble in fear.

Why I know that my future is to die alone, unwanted, unloved by those whom I love the most.

I have been working to heal the pain within me. It’s been hard. So very, very hard, but I have recently started to study the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh. Even now, at a time beyond his life, you can feel the caring compassion of this man in his work, and I have sat in that energy every day for the past two weeks; I have listened to the Mindfulness Bell as it rings every half-hour of my awake-time, and each time I hear that tone, I stop whatever I am doing, and feel into that calm peace. I move into my centre, the place which Thich Nhat Hanh has reminded me is my home. I no longer need to fear.

Instead, I Breathe. Each day I sit in silence. I practice Qigong; I run Reiki on myself; I meditate; I listen to the Mindfulness Bell and to the wise words of a wise man. And I feel emotions I do not recall having ever felt. Trust. Happiness. Safety. Joy.

Yesterday, something happened that almost pushed me off the cliff. For a little while, I did react. I got angry – and for someone who has had a lot of difficulty in expressing anger, that was a wonderful example of dealing with it straight away instead of bottling it up inside myself, corroding hope. I gave myself time to grieve, to process, and today I am almost back to normal.

We will all have times where the world goes bottom-up. For me, it has been amazing discovering the difference that can be felt from such a simple thing as stopping every half an hour and taking three deep conscious breaths.

Thank you for reading

Auri’An Lay

Exploring Life and Spirituality through a neuro-divergent mind

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