Category: 2024

Make-up

10.08.2024

2024, Curiosities

In today’s world, I look at the young people with their oh-so-technical make-up: contouring, highlighting, and whatever else, and I think back to my youth where we’d put on a ‘bit of slap’ – that is, some powder, eyeliner, mascara, and lipstick – and I wonder how today’s young peoples’ skin actually manages to breathe through the weight of layers of make-up. I also, in my perverse times, sometimes wonder what goes through a guy’s mind when he get to see what the person looks like without all that artistry. It’s definitely hugely impressive art.

I’ve never worn much make-up, and that might be the reason that at 69 years old I don’t have many wrinkles, just a few lines around my mouth. I also don’t use any of the expensive and oh so complicated skin care routines that appear to be normal for many women if TV advertising is to be believed, just a bit of soap and water once every few days and in between I cleanse with oil. Almond oil, MCT oil, caster oil…. Doesn’t really matter. And that’s it. My full skin care routine!

Until today. A friend shares a birthday with me and we decided to go out to dinner and we decided to go the whole hog and dress-up and wear make-up. She’s like me, wearing make-up is a rarity.

I had to dig deep into the bathroom cupboard to find my make-up. The last time I wore it was performing belly dance, and I gave that up about four years ago, and the make-up was pretty ancient even then!

Ignoring the advice that all make-up that is older than 6 months could be teeming with bacteria, I set too and I dug out the foundation. Obviously when I bought this I had a deeper tan. Never mind…. I squirted some of the gunk onto my fingers. I remember that it was, originally creamy; this was like water, with a few lumps. The water aspect ran through my fingers and the lumps clanged into the sink. I found a brush which, as it had been sat in a cupboard for several years was also of debatable cleanliness, and squirted some of this runny liquid onto the brush, picked off the lumps and dabbed it onto my nose. It didn’t look too bad so, trying not to worry that I might end up with a face filled with big red boils, I smooshed the soggy brush all over my face and neck. I obviously screwed up my eyes because when I looked in the mirror there were big, white panda rings under my eyes.

I found some powder and another potentially unclean brush and tried to colour in the white rings. I’d convinced myself by now that boils were an inevitable outcome of this potentially bacteria-laden make-up, and sometimes vanity has to take a risk, but boils under the eyes was not a preferred option. The powder felt cleaner, so I extended it all over. Oh shit! Now I look orange. I found another powder that told me it was for for ‘blurring.’ I definitely needed something to be blurry so that went on too.

Next my favourite eyeshadow. I used to wear an orange belly dance costume, so the orange eyeshadow was added to the already orange face. A dry washcloth was next to try to minimise the day-glo look I was achieving. It did look better, so praying for dim lighting at the restaurant I decided to continue.

Eyeliner. I got half-way across one eye and realised that this was not going to work. So I did half the other eye to bring balance and gave the whole lot a good rub to blend it in.

Mascara. It took me a few good tugs to get the wand out of the bottle. It was set like concrete. I added caster oil to the bottle and gave it a good shake. Didn’t make any difference at all and I told myself that as I didn’t intend to batter my eyelids at anyone I’d get away without mascara.

Now, any belly dancer without super-bright red lipstick just shouldn’t be up on stage, and so my lipstick choice was red. Bright red. Day-glo red. Blood red… and a wishy-washy beige colour I must have bought by mistake. That’s what went on.

Feeling like a million dollars, I got dressed and my friend and I went out for dinner. We sat in the restaurant and admired the amazing view over the Coral Sea, we drank a cocktail, ate a superb meal and we put life to rights. We even got our meals for free – the restaurant had a wonderful promotion – free main course if it is your birthday.

Now, at 7.30pm – yeah…we are not big on late nights, my friend and I, I’m back home, in my PJs and about to go scrape all this shit off my face and check that there are no boils waiting to erupt. We had such a great time we decided that we’d do it again on a monthly basis.

But first, I need to go buy some new bacteria-free, non orange, make-up!

No comments on Make-up
The Value of W

03.08.2024

2024, Curiosities

There has always been a hole in my life. Actually there have been several holes but they all kind-of blend together into what has, at times, been called my ‘Black Hole to Nowhere,’ but also my ‘Deep Dark Well of Despair.’

I first named the Black Hole when I was in my early 20’s when someone showed me a newspaper cutting about a stage show I had produced to raise funds to buy a fully-equipped ambulance. Now, if you think about it, you don’t put on a stage show with 10 minutes preparation – it takes months of rehearsals, planning, staging, etc. – and I had absolutely no recollection of any of this. Nothing. There have been many black holes since then, although nothing quite so dramatic. I finally was able to come to understand more a couple of years ago, when I realised I have SDAM – Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory.

SDAM is a congenital mis-wiring in the brain where, basically, people cannot pull-back memories of their own self. Couple this with multi-sensory aphantasia and you have a perfect recipe for black holes in the memory.

What happened with me is that, from childhood, I made stories about events, and those stories were almost always about the hard stuff. I re-told the stories over and over again. I have no memories of the actual events, just those repeating stories, and I worried that if I let go of the stories into the black hole, what would be left? If I had no memory of I, would I just disappear?

A couple of years ago I did start the journey to releasing those stories. It started with learning about all the many neuro-divergent differences that form who I am, how I think and why I act as I do. I found out why I go into melt-down and why I have been known to even get violent in large, noisy crowds. I learned to accept the black hole. But there was more I needed to understand.

About a year ago things in my world started to rock again. My friendship with my ex-husband became strained and I depended on him a lot for support as I live with chronic pain. He eventually moved out of our shared house, leaving me with the full rent to pay, without access to a vehicle and living in a rural town, with no public transport. Even collecting my mail became a nightmare. The Black Hole of Despair beckoned.

My spiritual practices started to slip. Meditation went out the window and I even gave up on my 1000 days of reading the Tao Te Ching. Life became one of survival. And survive I did. I did more than survive, I learned, probably for the first time in my life, how to be independent. And I discovered that there are safety nets in this world.

I’m an Aged Pensioner and I am without family – and I discovered that there are government schemes to provide help where needed. I took advantage of those schemes and found that my worries could be solved. I discovered people around me who are those very rare gems in this world – friends who will actually put themselves out to be of assistance. I acknowledged my needs and discovered my town is filled with people who will help.

Lao Tzu, in the Tao Te Ching, talks about ‘flowing like water.’ In more modern parlance we might talk about ‘going with the flow’ when things are uncertain. I did that. I learned not to panic when difficulties came, to simply accept them as part of the journey. I learned to see beauty in the derelict building, in the over-grown garden, in the muddy pond. I learned to accept my pain and I learned how to let go of the stories. I learned how to unlearn the lessons of my younger years and instead of disappearing as I had feared, I found myself building stronger foundations.

Yesterday, my Teacher asked me how I was going with my Spiritual studies – what had I learned through this time of turmoil?

I have learned the value of the letter “W.”

I have learned that there may have been black holes in my life, but by doing the right work on self, with learning and unlearning, with flowing like water….

I made myself Whole.

One who seeks knowledge learns something new every day.

One who seeks the Tao unlearns something new every day.

Less and less remains until you arrive at non-action.

When you arrive at non-action, nothing will be left undone.

Tao Te Ching. Chapter 48. Translation by John H. McDonald

No comments on The Value of W
Home

27.07.2024

2024, Curiosities

Over a year ago, a friend and her husband, bought a derelict cottage. Honestly, I think that most people would not have had the ability to see and feel what this old place could once again become with some time and love being spent on it. Most people would have been organising the bull-dozer before the ink was dry on the purchase deed, but my friends do have that ability to see deeper than surface, and two weeks ago I moved into that house.

It’s not finished. But inside it’s finished enough, and outside is still being worked on. There’s a new deck at the back, leading into the kitchen, but until today the front door was a no-go area because the steps to the door were not safe. Today, there are new stairs.

The kitchen is hand-made using mainly whatever wood was to hand. That, I’m told is Blue Gum and it will handle just about anything I throw at it! The house is old, it’s been through cyclones and flooding and pretty much the only square corner is in those kitchen benches. The wooden floorboards talk to you as you walk across them and there is a definite slope between bedroom and bathroom. And I love it.

I love that a building that has seen so much can be brought back to life. I love that the owner has not tried to bring it into the modern square-box world. I love that almost everything except the electrics and the plumbing is made from re-purposed and found items. My laundry tub is an ancient stone trough that I call “The Sarcophagus.” The mirror on the bathroom wall is probably from the 1930’s.

Outside, there is still a whole heap of work to do. There is a massive shed that looks ready to fall over at anytime, but is still sturdy enough to do duty as a storage place for lumber, tools, paint and all the minutia of renovation. There are planks of wood propped up on the garden fence, scaffolding and ladders decorate the grassed areas, and in amongst this apparent devastation is an old giant mango tree and heaps of other fruit trees. It’s a garden that many people would look at and just see the mess. Me? I see the potential, the life, the beauty. I see I need to buy a jam pan.

This is my home. My forever home. There’s no rush to make the cottage picture-perfect. I love that this house is like me – no longer young, creaky in the joints, plenty of saggy bits, but being renovated with love (that’s me as well as the house – I too am working on my renovation!!)

It’s taken me almost 70 years, but finally, I feel as if I am home.

No comments on Home
Lists

20.07.2024

2024, Curiosities

I have no idea if I made lists as a child, and I am assuming that I did when I ran a successful aerobics company in the 1980’s, or when I emigrated from England to Australia. These things are lost in the SDAM* filing cabinet – probably for all time. But I do recall making lists when I worked full-time. In fact my basic daily must-do list was so detailed that I eventually printed it onto huge sticky labels to save time. I then stuck a label into my equally large desk diary every morning and completed the ‘ceremony’ by adding in in the less routine things that required attention that day. My stress, at that time, was so intense that without that list I could not achieve everything I had to do, and missing something could prove disastrous. It was as if crossing something off the list as it was completed was the anchor that held me to daily life.

Now, 30 years later, I am still an avid list maker. Every day starts with making coffee and then making my lists for the day. The first entry on that list is a reminder that my friend in the US will call, and even though we talk almost every day it has to be on the list so I can cross it off when we stop talking.

Next is an entry to read a chapter of the Tao Te Ching. I’d been doing that for 367 days when I decided to take a break, but it’s still written on that list every morning. I will get back to it soon, Not crossing it off the list as completed is starting to get to me! There’s a reminder to exercise and a reminder to meditate – both with spaces so I can fill in what styles I chose to do, how long and anything specific to mention about the activity. I list which areas of my house I want to clean that day including laundry and any gardening, and there is a notation about what I am studying. I have a reminder to put the rubbish bins out on Mondays and to bring them in and give them a scrub on Tuesdays. And, of course, a reminder to write this blog. And that is just the tip of the iceberg!!

There’s the shopping list. I carefully write this one out. I take my dedicated shopping list notebook and head into my pantry, my fridge, I fall into the chest freezer seeing what needs topping up, I check the cleaning cupboard and then, almost every time I go shopping, I leave the list sitting on the kitchen counter and have to wing it at the grocery store!

Right now I am being very daring. I am moving house. I started making lists of everything that went into each packing case. That lasted for 4 boxes and I decided to step out of my comfort zone. Now the boxes are sitting on the floor of the new house waiting to surprise me.

I’ve also just received some Government funding and need to find a company authorised to manage it for me. A search tells me that there are 31 such companies operating in my small town. Somehow I doubt it – there are only 1300 people living here!! A list was needed. Not just any list, but a whole spreadsheet of information!! I spent two days on that and then decided to post a question on Facebook about it. One private message and a phone call later and the spreadsheet was no longer needed!

Sometimes lists are essential. Sometimes they are distractions. Sometimes they are massive time-wasters!

Oh My! Now I’m in trouble. I’ve just realised that I don’t have a list of all the crystals and stones I have. Or my books.

What do you make lists of?

*SDAM – Severely Dysfunctional Autobiographical Memory

No comments on Lists
GROWTH THROUGH PAIN

06.07.2024

2024, Curiosities

Many people believe that the best way to achieve spiritual growth is through pain and suffering and I recently saw a discussion on social media on this topic, and as it is always good to review what your beliefs are, I decided to dig deeper into this subject.

First, what kind of pain are we talking about here? There are many kinds of pain, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual, and every single one of them holds validity for the person experiencing that pain.

My first thought is that pain and suffering do indeed present opportunities for growth, but we are often so wrapped up in the pain that we miss the opportunities. Certainly that has been a major part of my story and if pain was a requisite to spiritual growth, I should have reached Enlightenment by now!!

I’d also say, from personal experience, that growth through pain runs the risk of not being true growth – pain can be a propulsion force, but it can also be a major inhibitor.

I only recently discovered this. I hit a wall in my growth. An impasse. I thought I was on a straight path, knowing exactly where I was heading but a barrier across that path slammed shut in my face and I had to turn aside. In my words – I turned left at the gate. That was super distressing and it was also the perfect opportunity to give up and walk away from everything.

That was two years ago, and it is only recently that I started to understand the reason for this ‘turning left at the gate.’ My perceived growth had mainly been through pain and in that respect it was not complete. It was not balanced. It was biased towards the belief produced through experience that humans must suffer in order to grow. Yes, it is the human condition to suffer, but it doesn’t have to be the only way for growth the occur.

Basically, I re-started my journey. I had to withdraw and work out my new path and that involved a whole lot of digging into who I am. I had to reassess every level of growth I had previously thought I had gained – because growth gained on the back of pain is not unlike accumulating wealth on the back of slavery. You accumulate your treasure, but the cost is horrendous.

Pain taints everything. In the physical world it is hard to be a complete and balanced person when you live with chronic pain. It colours every thought, word and action. Pain acts in exactly the same manner in the mental, emotional and the spiritual realms. Yes, you can gain a form of growth through pain; Ego can tell you that it is growth, and Ego isn’t necessarily lying to you, but, as am discovering on the journey that I have been sent upon since turning left at that gate, when you recognise pain, understand and accept the source of that pain and then work to resolve the issues raised with as little drama a possible, then you may discover the most potentially difficult, challenging, amazing and ultimately BALANCED growth opportunity.

And when you experience this difference, this growth through knowledge, experience, acceptance, and understanding, you begin the journey of balanced spiritual growth. It’s where you start to feel whole.

No comments on GROWTH THROUGH PAIN
PEARLS

29.06.2024

2024, Curiosities

I’m getting ready to move house and I opened THAT drawer. The one where you stuff all the bits of paper that you believe you need to keep for some reason. Not the important stuff, that’s all scanned and filed, but the scraps of paper with notes to self on them, random shopping lists that you forgot to take to the shop, really old Christmas cards and little pearls of wisdom that you are sure you need to remember or learn more about. The scrap of paper that caught my attention as I cleared out this drawer simply said:

The oyster has to be irritated to make a pearl

I hadn’t dated the paper, which is something I am always wishing that I did with greater regularity, and there is no context as to why I wrote that statement, but it caught my eye and as I was ready to welcome a distraction from my labours I thought I’d stop and have a think about it. As some of you will know, I don’t think in my head, I think by typing so…….

First thought… there is a familiarity about this phrase. Have I already written about it? I had to go check. Apparently I did and here’s the link if you want to go check it out: https://aurian.blog/2022/02/24/irritations/ How interesting and a wonderful synchronicity. I wrote that blog as my ex and I started house sharing, and right now I am packing up to leave that house. The start and end of an era. I love these little gems in life.

2. Irritation. Before these pearls of wisdom can appear, there is irritation. These are the things which we all experience that drive us nuts. Or cause pain or difficulties in our lives. Whatever the irritation is we have to do something about it or it runs the risk of becoming a massive, big canker in our lives. The oyster wraps the irritation up in nacre. Interestingly nacre is made of 95% aragonite which is a crystal known to represent truth, understanding and an unclouded perception of reality.

3. Looking at our irritations with a clear understanding of what is happening (our reality), and recognising that truth has many facets, and coming to an understanding of how to deal with the irritation, is exactly how we should aim to resolve those irritations in our daily life.

So – have I resolved the irritations in my life? I think I may. My ex was a constant irritation. There is a reason why he is my ex. I wish him well in his new ventures and I am excited about moving house and entering my next stage in life. One irritation down!

My next irritation is probably the biggest. This is my daughter whom I love with all my being but who, for her own reasons and without giving me any hints, just dropped right out of my life. This is going to take a whole lot of nacre to smooth out the constant pain of this one, but I’m working on it.

As I sit here at my lap-top, I am trying to work out what other irritations there are in my life and I cannot think of anything that is building-a-pearl worthy. I’ve reached a stage where I can accept change; I understand myself a whole lot more than I used to and, most importantly, I no longer try to hide my idiosyncrasies. I know what they are and I have come to accept them. They no longer confuse or irritate me.

Do all our irritations become pearls? They definitely all have that opportunity, but it depends on how much we are willing to work on them. I know of many people who have actually become comfortable with the scratchiness of the irritation and although they may talk about fixing things, they never get around to doing it. Or they can’t be bothered to take the time to do the work needed to smooth out the issue. Some people are so caught up in the drama that they don’t even see that there is a little raw spot in their life that runs the risk of growing – and perhaps even turning septic!

Ah! But for those who do take the time to seek out where that irritation came from, where it is hiding, how and why does it affect me, who look into the various facets of the truth of the problem and work to gain understanding of all aspects… these are the people who can turn the problems in their lives into pearls of wisdom.

Ashirvad Shanti

Auri’An

No comments on PEARLS
RECHARGE

22.06.2024

2024, Curiosities
One of the joys of being retired is that there are no demands on my time other than those I choose to make. If I want to stay up all night I can without any worries about having to go do stuff the next day. I wake up when I wake up, eat when I am hungry, volunteer in my community without any fixed timetable, and socialise on my terms (I’m not a very social person)!

But even with the (Idyllic??) life things can get on top of you and you have to give yourself time to recover. I’ve recently gone through a period of upheaval and I have been putting my very creaky body through a whole heap of stuff it would prefer not to do and is letting me know in no uncertain terms that I’d better not do that too often! My creaky stuff keeps me awake at night so there is frequently a lack of sleep added to the complaining joints and muscles, and when you throw in a heap of emotional overwhelm… well! It’s time for me to retreat into my shell and do some work on ME!

It’s only now, as I enter my Elder years, that I am truly understanding the need we all have to take ‘me-time’ and to really consider what our fast-paced lives are doing to our bodies, minds, and souls. For 60 years I have ignored my body when it told me I was overdoing things; I ignored my mental health by hiding behind my autistic mask and showing the world that everything is just hunky-dory. Religion or spirituality was never a part of my life right up to 2014 when it suddenly became the focal point in my life, and took precedence over every other aspect. However I look at my life, it is plain to see that I have always been too busy – or crashed out recovering – and that there has never been any form of balance. It is only now that I am making the time to focus on me.

We all know nowadays that if you want to maintain the battery in your phone or laptop in the best shape for as long as possible, you need to let it run all the way down every now and then and then charge it all the way up. The equivalent with my body is that I would run the batteries completely dry and then partially charge them just enough to get through the next task. I never took the time to fully recharge. I didn’t know what was needed to do that properly.

Now, as I get older, I find that I need to recharge my batteries very frequently. I need nanny naps. I need, many times each day, to just stop and look at the beauty in the world and breathe it in. I need to escape from people. And I am discovering that doom-scrolling on You Tube brings about a pin-point focus that manages to exclude the entire world around me. I suspect that this last ‘need’ is an autistic trait I am, now just recognising for what it is and that although I am sitting in a chair doing very little, I am absolutely not rechargine my batteries!

What is a good way to recharge those batteries? It’s actually really simple and I strongly recommend that you start now. However old or young you are, you can start to replenish your body. The ancients Chinese knew about the energy that flows through us – they called it Qi. The Japanese call it Ki, and in India it is known as Prana. It is a Universal Life Force energy and we can access it in so many ways:
- Take a deep breath and imagine breathing in this life force with the oxygen in the air. Imagine sending this life force energy around your body – especially to the bits that hurt!
- Walk bare-foot on the earth and draw in the energy up from the ground. Imagine it rising up through your feet, legs, torso, and right up through the crown of your head.
- Sit quietly in meditation bringing the energy in to yourself with each breath. Imagine it moving down to your solar plexus and being stored there, ready to be drawn on when needed.
- Talk to a tree. Trees can help us be aware of our connection to everything else.
- Talk to yourself. Tell yourself how amazing you are.
How do you recharge your batteries? How often do your spend time in self-care? I’d love to hear in the comments.

Ashirvad Shanti

Auri’An
2 comments on RECHARGE
SEEKING

15.06.2024

2024, Curiosities

All my life I have been seeking. I haven’t always known what I am looking for, it’s more of a feeling that there is something I need to find out. And so, throughout life when things have become too much I have sought the peace and tranquillity of being alone, and many times I have thought longingly of living in a cave somewhere, well away from people – except I’d need my bed, and a fridge and freezer! Television? I can do without that but internet? That’s a must. And suddenly in my imagination my mountain cave has become a modern apartment with all mod-cons… and a distinct lack of the peaceful quietness I need.

I’ve seen this mountain cave as a place not only of peace and quietness but of safety. I am autistic and I do not do well when there are a lot of people around me, and life experience has taught me that feeling safe is something that can change in a single heartbeat.

I eventually found my place of safety and, for the last 2½ years, I’ve been living there. During this time, my seeking turned in a different direction. This time it travelled inwards. My physical self was safe, but what about my emotional and spiritual self? And that desire for the mountain cave (with the very necessary comforts, of course) returned.

But the Mystic, when she retreats into the cave does not take with her anything more than she needs for her survival. Her journey is within herself, and all the fluffy comforts we have a tendency to expect in life can be distractions.

My thoughts turned within almost instantaneously when a friend asked me, two years ago, who I am without my wounds. That question dropped me onto very rocky ground as I realised that I had absolutely no idea. I began seeking answers and what I found triggered so many of my insecurities, but in writing about them in my book Hidden In A Dark Place I thought I had laid many of them to rest.

But that was only the first stage.

A year ago I found my cave. It is an old cottage that had fallen into disrepair and needed a whole heap of work to bring it into a liveable condition. As the owners have gradually rebuilt this cottage, I have found that a further shedding of the things I do not need to take with me has been necessary. I first sought knowledge as to why I don’t feel secure, and discovered that the answer was buried in the questions about why I always feel different, an observer and not a participant of life. That answer was in the confirmation of my neuro-divergent traits. I am different – yet, comfortingly, I am not unique. These traits were like pebbles underfoot that made my world, the path I walked on, feel rocky and insecure. As I named these differences: aphantasia, SDAM, anauralia, alexithymia and more, and learned to understand them, I found an acceptance of self that I’d never realised could be mine and that rocky path became easier.

I am ready to step into the next phase of my life.

I am ready to step into my cave and hopefully to seek answers to questions I have not yet asked myself.

Life holds some beautiful synchronicities. As I made these realisations, I received a message from the owner of the old cottage, my so-called ‘cave’, giving me a date I can move in.

I do need to check the internet situation though – I live in a rural area and internet coverage can be dodgy! And I need to buy a fridge.

No comments on SEEKING
TOO MUCH

08.06.2024

2024, Curiosities

It’s funny. Over the years I’d had the occassional thought that I may be autistic, but it was a thought that was infrequent and easily pushed to one side. I was fully functional, intelligent, well able to hold down any job I was either given or had carved out for myself right up to running my own very successful fitness business, touring, lecturing, writing, and when I moved into a corporate role – no problem. I’m a natural administrator.

I’ve dealt with so much, and yes I struggled emotionally, fought fiercely when I felt threatened; hibernated when I felt overwhelmed, but I never related to these things as aspects of being neuro-divergent and I never recognised how much these cycles are a part of who I am.

Until now.

It’s still not even a year since I realised I am neuro-divergent and part of learning to accept that is that you have to recognise the idiosyncrasies in yourself that are attributable to the various diagnoses, and when you do, then suddenly you realise that they are so much more than you ever thought.

People say that you are so much more ‘autistic’ since diagnosis. Well, yes…. you start peel away the mask that you have worn – in my case, for nearly 70 years – and you not only have to face truths that can be difficult to deal with, but you have to acknowledge them and learn to live honestly with them. That means stop hiding behind your mask all the time.

I appear to be more emotional than I have ever been yet I can’t name the emotions. I don’t recognise what love feels like, or joy. Fear – absolutely I know this one, and I’ve just learned to recognise anger. In fact, I recently became so spitting f^*king furious that I had no idea what to do with my body. I’ve bottled up my anger since I was a small child and had become so afraid to let it loose because I worried it would be like laying out a path of destruction similar setting off a nuclear warhead! I worried it was too much.

I’ve noticed that I move into a spiral every now and then – I’m doing it right now – where everything runs the risk of become ‘too much’. The excitement of confirming that the home I will be moving to in a couple of months was almost too much to contain. The noise of the person who lives near me and is out every morning with his lawn mower, whipper-snipper, or his pressure washer was too much. So was the traffic on the road about 500m away. Even the noise from the fridge is too much. The almost-full moon shone brightly last night, right into my bedroom – so sleep was in short supply and that added to the ‘too-much’ pressure and to top it all, there is too much wind for me to be able to go out for a ride on my bike.

Before I learned of my neuro-divergent status, all of this would have been so overwhelming and I would have been so very distressed and unable to understand why everything falls over all at once. Even the ‘poor me’ factor would be too much! Now, I recognise the ‘too much’ overwhelm building up and I know there are things I can do to minimise the fall-out. Right now – I am sitting at my computer wearing earplugs. It’s a beautiful day outside but all the windows are closed up tight to kill even more noise. I’m short on sleep, so very soon I’m going to have a nanny nap, and because I can organise my thoughts so much easier when I type – we have this blog!!!

In recognising my cycle, and understanding that lack of sleep is very definitely not helping me to be able to tolerate all the noise around me is a massive step forward. In being able to acknowledge that this is a short-term thing and that, with some self-care, I will be back to normal in a day or two, takes a whole heap of the pressure off. I know it’s pressure I put on myself – but now I know why.

There is too much noise, too much light, too much wind, and too little sleep. It’s all far too much, all happening at once and my mind is about to explode!

No comments on TOO MUCH
Why?

01.06.2024

2024, Curiosities

Why do we struggle with life? What is it that holds us here on this planet, even when things have become so very difficult.

I have been asking myself these questions recently. I have family who have chosen to live without me in their lives, and who have never let me know why. They just blocked me out of their lives a few years ago and that pain is dreadful.

Even my parents denied my very existence. I am not worthy to be even mentioned in their Wills despite being their eldest child. That pain is almost unbearable.

Other people have come into my life and moved on, as I have moved on from them – such is the very natural way of travelling through life. This, even as it hurts, I can clearly understand.

I carry so much pain in my heart and in my soul that I wonder why I still struggle to stay in what is, for an Elder such as me, God’s Waiting Room, especially when it is such a lonely place to exist within. And when faced with maybe being there for another 20 years or more it becomes almost impossible.

There have been points throughout my life where I have given this question the deepest consideration, and there have been times when I have been ready to leave this existence. Yet I remain.

Why?

Because this world is beautiful.

The people in this world, in all their diversity, are beautiful.

Because the doves sit on my fence and coo to each other and the honeyeaters splash in the birdbath.

Because the tide goes out every day, exposing the mud which is the life source of the crabs and the mud-skippers, and just an inexorably the tide comes back in bringing even more life to the water in front of my home.

Because the sun rises and sets, because the stars shine leading the soul into mystery. Because the life-blood of this planet – water – keeps flowing and giving. Because the trees protect and the mountains offer majesty.

If I were to only look inside myself, I would only see the pain and the loneliness. So I look outside myself and see so much that is simply glorious.

Too often we humans only look within. We seek answers within. We think the knowledge within our minds, our hearts and our souls can give us all we need to survive and flourish.

And we so often ignore the beauty that lies at our very feet, in the earth and in every being that we meet.

Why?

No comments on Why?