Sometimes I can be really dense, and I am sure that my guides, fate, destiny, or whatever else you want to call it, must throw their hands up in the air in despair of me ever stopping to listen. I’m pretty sure my Spiritual Guru does the same thing. In some things I am definitely a slow learner.
I’ve been on my conscious spiritual journey for almost 11 years and have been seriously studying for the past 10 years. At the beginning of that journey, before I found my Teacher, most things I experienced were both exiting and frequently terrifying at the same time, but as my knowledge grew, I understood, with quiet certainty, that this is where I am meant to be.
About three years ago, there was a drastic change in my path. I’d become comfortable where I was. I had reached a minor level of ‘notoriety‘ as I, and another colleague, assisted our Teacher on various media platforms, and I thought it was only a matter of time until I too started to fly high.
Oh, how the mighty fall…..
In one very memorable session with my teacher, my world crashed down when I realised that I was not going any further until I had cleared all the stuff that was restricting my growth. That ‘stuff’ was all the baggage of my entire life: fear, squashed down anger, and so much more which had been hidden, even from me, by a mask of uncontrolled Ego and a vast amount of misunderstanding.
I changed focus and started to withdraw in order to work on this incredibly difficult problem of finding out who I am without my wounds. I had no idea who I might be beneath the mask I’d worn all my life, and this journey of discovery and acceptance has been very difficult with many occasions where I have been pushed almost to the point of giving up and walking away.
Since then I have come to understand so much as I have worked through the cloud of fear I existed in for almost 70 years, until, just a few short weeks ago, it seemed as if I had finally burst my way out of that dense cloud and found sunlight.
My teacher has been the driving force behind my continued growth and understanding. She stayed with me through meltdowns, anxiety, and despair. She has pushed me where I didn’t want to look, backed off when I got too close to the edge, and then talked for days about recipes for baking bread, the weather, and the goings on in her family, until I was ready to return to my work. She has been my task-master and my rescuer in my search for what I need in my life.
That search was for something I had never experienced before – Inner Peace.
I have admired Thich Nhat Hahn for a number of years, but knew little about him. I could feel his peaceful energy, but was too wound up in my own turbulence to take much notice, until a few weeks ago when it appeared as if everywhere I turned, I was being pointed in the direction of this great man. I have learned that when Spirit points you towards a Teacher, you really should take notice because you are being offered an opportunity not to be missed if you are serious about your growth.
And so I read one of his books, watched videos on You Tube, and downloaded the Plum Village app. There was one thing that constantly came to my attention: the Great Bell. I listened to the Great Bell Chant for hours and when I read about the practice of monks and lay people stopping whatever they were doing, just for a minute or so whenever they heard a bell ring, and using that time to bring themselves back to peace and calmness, I knew this was a practice I needed.
There are many apps available which sound a Mindfulness Bell, and I tried a couple of them before settling on the Plum Village Mindfulness Bell – after all, Plum Village is the centre point of Thich Nhat Hahn‘s teachings. I chose which bell sound I preferred and set the time for it to ring every 30 minutes from 7.30am to 7.30pm.
For the first day or two, I just stopped and took a deep breath each time I heard the bell; breathing in Qi, breathing out whatever I did not want to carry any more: fear, anger, pain. Then I started reciting some words from Thich Nhat Hahn
Listen. Listen. This miraculous sound brings me to my true home.
Of course, being me, I had to dwell on what “my true home” meant to me. It is the place of peace within me that has been lost, hidden, for so many years. Slowly, over the following days, I began to find this place of peace. I couldn’t hold the Energy for very long, but simply knowing that Peace was within me was a huge step forward in my healing.
Then came the day when I started to get angry at the constant interruptions of the Bell when I was trying to work on other things. That was when I added more lines to the words I recite each time the Bell rings.
Listen, listen, this wonderful sound brings me back to my true self.
Body, Spirit, and Mind in perfect oneness
I send my heart along with the sound of the Bell
May the hearers awaken from forgetfulness and transcend all pain and sorrow.
My Teacher had found this gathas, and I felt such amazing compassion, love, and peace as I spoke the words for the first time, that I now recite it with almost every ringing of the Bell. I also acknowledge that I am human and that there will be times when I am deep in other work, and so I give myself permission to simply take a conscious breath.
A few days ago, a potential in my life opened up. A return to a version of the path which had triggered fear three years ago. Not the same path, but one which walks beside the original. Its not the same path because I am not the same person and I have no intention of returning to that fear-filled, ego-driven version of me, that was disguised by the mask I’d worn all my life.
I have found, in returning to the work which is written in my Codex, that elusive deep Inner Peace, and so far, I have held it within me for several days. I recognise that things will happen where I will lose connection to my Inner Peace, but now I know that it is there.
I’ve found it. I’ve found my Inner Peace.
It was never lost, it had just never had the opportunity to grow.
And the Bell rings every 30 minutes to bring me back to my true self.
Thank you for reading my meanderings and I truly hope you too can find your Inner Peace
Exploring life and spirituality through a neurodivergent mind
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