I wrote this prose in September 2024.  I’m not sure what was going through my mind at the time – and I don’t really want to know – but as I read this again today, I could feel the pain which filled that earlier version of me, and I smile in wonderment as I see the growth in me since that time.

I have a hole in my heart, a place where all those I love are not.

It gapes, it burns, it tears me into a billion tiny flames that flare at the most inopportune times

Like now – as I try to sleep, in the dark hours of the night.

I have a hole in my heart where those I love used to be.

They tore themselves away, leaving gaping wounds of worry and misery, of pain and confusion

And now my heart will not let me sleep

It’s because I am different and nobody knew, not even me, the reasons why. 

And so my life was filled with many pin-pricks to my heart that

Were never allowed to heal because no-one understood that they were there.

Each pin-prick has left a scar – and there are thousands of them

But the scar tissue hasn’t hardened, it hasn’t toughened me up

If anything this hole is where my fears lurk, waiting for my vulnerability to push itself forward.  Again.

I now know why life was so confusing, so filled with pain.

Why I was bullied, tormented, dominated, abandoned.  Why I cry, why I forget, why I tremble in fear.

Why I know that my future is to die alone, unwanted, unloved by those whom I love the most.

I have been working to heal the pain within me.  It’s been hard.  So very, very hard, but I have recently started to study the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh.  Even now, at a time beyond his life, you can feel the caring compassion of this man in his work, and I have sat in that energy every day for the past two weeks; I have listened to the Mindfulness Bell as it rings every half-hour of my awake-time, and each time I hear that tone, I stop whatever I am doing, and feel into that calm peace.  I move into my centre, the place which Thich Nhat Hanh has reminded me is my home.  I no longer need to fear.

Instead, I Breathe.  Each day I sit in silence.  I practice Qigong; I run Reiki on myself; I meditate; I listen to the Mindfulness Bell and to the wise words of a wise man.  And I feel emotions I do not recall having ever felt.   Trust.  Happiness.  Safety.  Joy.

Yesterday, something happened that almost pushed me off the cliff.  For a little while, I did react.  I got angry – and for someone who has had a lot of difficulty in expressing  anger, that was a wonderful example of dealing with it straight away instead of bottling it up inside myself, corroding hope.  I gave myself time to grieve, to process, and today I am almost back to normal.

We will all have times where the world goes bottom-up.  For me, it has been amazing discovering the difference that can be felt from such a simple thing as stopping every half an hour and taking three deep conscious breaths.

Thank you for reading

Auri’An Lay

Exploring Life and Spirituality through a neuro-divergent mind

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