A couple of weeks ago I was attuned as a Reiki Master/Teacher.  The actual attunement was a catalyst for releasing so much within me that was waiting to be acknowledged.  I felt as if a barrier had been broached and that I can now step forward into another version of me – one which had been temporarily hidden as I delved into discovering who am I. 

I have been seeking that part of me, feeling it on the edge of self waiting for the final puzzle piece to be discovered.  It’s not a ‘new me,’ it is the me that always has been, but with the ruling mask of Ego better understood and no longer allowed free-reign.  It felt – and still does – as if a strength has arisen within me, but this time with more balance.

I hope I do not lose this quiet strength as life throws all its usual complications at me.  I hope it doesn’t get squished down by the minutia of life.  I am sitting here at my desk feeling a quiet certitude, an “I got this” emotion which I would really like to hold on to.

But there are two sides to every coin and another release happened hours later, this one not so bright and shiny.  This is the Grief That Never Ends.  The pain that has been bottled up and squished down inside me, hidden deep so that most of the time I am able to get through my day without even thinking of it.  It is the other side of the scale – life is not all love and bright laughter; it is pain and worry and fear.  I bottle-up this particular pain because there is absolutely nothing I can do to fully release it.  Grief for a child which you brought into the world never lets you go. 

This pain, and the fears attached to it, literally exploded in the middle of a Messenger conversation with a friend.  He caught the full volcanic blast – and it wasn’t pretty.  But pain never is.  I don’t know if it was a release triggered by the Reiki Attunement or if that particular bubbling pot was going to boil over soon anyway.  It does that far too frequently for comfort.  This is a grief which will never end.  At least, it will never end so long as I continue to breathe – and that, I plan to do for a little while yet!  There is still  much in this world to explore.

Not long after the Attunement, two sulphur-crested cockatoos appeared in the garden.  The first I’ve seen since they finished eating my mangos several months ago.  Cockatoos are spirit messengers, symbols of change; they are guides through darkness and they remind us of the importance of safety in your group.  They represent freedom and strength.  And that is not just something which I personally need, but it is a reminder of something we all need to see in this world.

Thank you for reading

Please like and subscribe

Check out my new Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/dragonsandbooks

Auri’An Lay

Exploring Life through a neuro-divergent mind