Several decades ago I watched the church-goers of a nearby village metaphorically step over the beggar in the church porch.

I also, literally, saw them ignore three small children who had been found after their mother had died.  They had spent three days in company with her dead body.  This was a village of about 20 houses where everyone was always in and out of each other’s home – and no-one had gone to see why Mrs X, a widow, wasn’t around as usual and why her oldest child wasn’t in school.  I was new to the area; my daughter had just joined the school and the villagers had seemed a close-knit society.  I just could not understand why no-one had thought to check.

I looked at the vicar in his fancy clothes.  He was like an actor on a stage and I could not sense any devotion, compassion or caring in his nature.  He was going through motions of that service in much the same way as I took a shower – you do what you have to do and then get on with something else.  I looked around the congregation and saw the hats and gloves, the made-up faces and best suits.  I saw people who wanted to be seen to be going to church, but once outside the door…..? No. Just no.

For a few years I called myself atheist.  I could not subscribe to what I had seen.  Then I started to contemplate: did I believe that we – humans – are ‘it’?  Are we the pinnacle of life in this universe?  I couldn’t accept that.  There had to be something beyond us.  I just did not know what that something could be.

At that point I called myself Agnostic.

Then, in 2014 I had a profound spiritual experience that changed everything.  There had been a lead-up to the actual experience, a dance and music camp which had spanned five days, and on that last day a whole series of events came together in an ever increasing intensity until I found myself in the middle of the night, for 3.1/2 hours in pouring rain, sitting in a muddy field, connected in to that ‘greater power.’  It wasn’t ‘God’.  It was way beyond what we humans term ‘God’.  The Greater Tao is the nearest I can find to describe what I experienced:  The Tao which can be spoken is not the Greater Tao.

Initially, answers to many of my questions came through the spiritual practices of the New Age Belief System, but that too, ultimately failed.  So many New Age beliefs, mainly anchored into Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism and more like so many footsteps in the sand.  There was so much potential of bringing Knowledge and Wisdom, gathered for thousands of years, together in a way that could eventually break down the barriers that humans are so fond of. 

Many neophytes, fired-up and excited about the things they had learned, developed a strong urge to pass this information on to others.  They believed they’d gained deeper knowledge, a way to succeed.  Unfortunately, these neophytes mostly did not hold the depth of knowledge of true Masters and all too frequently knowledge was warped to fit the neophytes’ understanding or to pitch their beliefs in order to sell the potential of finding answers to those even less knowledgeable.  Mostly, this was done with good intentions, but the potential for harm was the same.  I see this.  In some ways, I was this.  My Ego drove me to teach what I thought I understood.  I did not believe for one moment that I was bastardising something ancient and wise.  But luckily, I do have a wise and knowledgeable Teacher, and she kicked butt to get me back on the right track; to show me how much my teachings were far more about my enthusiasm and need to ‘help’ than about deep understanding of the Wisdom, Knowledge, and Mysteries of the Ancient Masters. 

Now I sit quietly in my home.  I challenge my beliefs and acknowledge that this is all they are – beliefs.  I have no way of knowing if these beliefs hold truth.  If I knew that, they would be Facts and not Beliefs.

Beliefs can challenge us.  They can change us.  They can drive us to do both good and bad….. and we need both good and bad – we cannot know one without the other.  Beliefs may not bring us answers but they can bring us comfort.

And that is where I am right now….  I understand I don’t have answers.  I look around the world, I study in my own disjointed way, learning things, forgetting things, then relearning them a little deeper and with, hopefully, a little more understanding.  I look at the various belief systems in the world and recognise that they are called ‘Belief Systems’ for a reason.  They are built on beliefs and we have absolutely no way to know with absolute surety, that they are Truth.  But I believe that many hold some Truth; that many hold Wisdom gathered through centauries of study and development.  I also believe that many Belief Systems have stagnated, that a grip on older thoughts and methods are adhered to through rote and habit without questioning the deeper meanings.

I recognise the potential good in most of these systems but I am also aware of the potential of Man to warp and twist what is good into something else.  Something less wholesome.  Something greedy, angry, and dominant. 

I now call myself Omnist.

But really, I am just seeking Self.

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Auri’An Lay

Life through a neuro-divergent mind