I now know that I stimmed as a child.  Back then, more than 60 years ago, I would only know that I would do ‘stuff’ that annoyed my mother.  It didn’t matter if it was tapping my toes, bouncing my knees, chewing my little finger, biting my nails, sucking my hair… it all annoyed my mother and that meant either getting yelled at or slapped.

My dad’s mum gave me something to do with my hands when I was about 6 or 7 years old, she taught me to crochet and my love of working with threads began to grow.  The biggest pleasure isn’t in actually making something – and definitely not in finishing that something – but in working out, discovering, how to do it. 

At school we learned to knit, starting with winter hat, gloves and scarf.  We also learned how to sew, making our own summer uniforms.  My mother was a seamstress and she took me way beyond basics in dressmaking.  I made all my clothes and all my daughter’s.  I also played with tapestry, cross-stitch, embroidery, tatting, lace making, latch hook rug making, rag rug making, Amish toothbrush rug making, twining, ojo de dios, traditional dream catchers.  I expanded my explorations with flow art painting, twilling, mala beads, weaving, polymer clay and so much more. 

But it wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I realised that all this craft work, was my form of self-soothing.  Of taking myself away from a world that is difficult.  It is stimming in a way that is socially acceptable. 

When I was diagnosed as autistic, I decided that I was no longer going to hide my differences.  All my life I had hidden behind a mask which was such a part of me that I actually had no idea that I was anything but the mask.  It even had a name – The Actress on the Stage.  And after one particularly trying day, only a few months ago, when I had gone into meltdown and was really struggling, I gave into to a very primal version of me and I allowed my body full freedom to stim.  It started with hand flapping, progressed to feet, arms, legs – my whole body lay on the sofa and flapped and shook, and bucked and vibrated.  It took a long time to stop, and afterwards, I was calm.  Relaxed.  Exhausted.  Yet it felt so right and natural. 

Now, I stim.  I do it a lot.  Mainly it is just twiddling my feet as I watch TV; sometimes it is hand-flapping but most of the time it is me making something with some type of thread.

Right now there is a lot of stuff going on in my life and my need to stim is pretty intense.  There has been the flooding; the fall I took where I broke my nose; and now, after decades of chronic pain, it seems as if, finally, I am getting the help I need – but it’s all happening at once and that is starting to feel like a runaway train.

After waiting for years, I now feel as if I have had so many medical appointments, I started joking about buying timeshare in the hospital, and there are many more appointments in the next few weeks, including surgery.  I am feeling a bit on edge.  And so, about a month ago I started crocheting.  I started a temperature blanket – one granny square every day which shows, through the use of different coloured threads, the high and low temperatures, and the humidity, of that particular day.  I’ve also made a wrap for when the cooler weather eventually arrives, and a lovely cushion cover in a pattern that looks like 3D.

As all these appointments start to mount up, my need to stim increases.  So the last couple of days have been spent in preparation for a second blanket.  This one is an Historical Temperature Blanket and I have had to research historical weather records for the north of England from the day I was born up to my 1^st birthday.  Then I had to decide on colour schemes, and finally, I started crocheting. 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh…….   The world narrows down to that single length of thread, my crocheting hook, and the pattern that is slowly emerging.

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Auri’An Lay

Life through a neuro-divergent mind