On our life journey we can come face to face with a point where we have to change the direction we are travelling.  I hit such a point almost 18 months ago when I realised that I had reached a level in my spiritual studies where I would go no further until I had sorted out my issues and problems and discovered the direction I am supposed to travel in.  Suddenly hitting that point felt as if a door had slammed closed in my face and I was cast out, apparently directionless. 

But life goes on regardless and I stumbled forward, forging a new life path for myself, describing it as ‘turning left at the gate.’  This left-hand turn was rocky, the road filled with pitfalls and mountains to climb, and it has taken me all this time to understand that I am simply following the path that I have, unknowingly, been on all my life.  The pitfalls and mountains were not diversions, they’ve always been there.  I was just unaware.  They are the many reasons that life has been difficult for me.  They are the barriers I’ve built; the things I’ve hidden from; the fear I have always lived in.   I discovered a whole list of neuro-divergent labels which apply to me and I stepped into a world that appeared to be so very confusing. 

All new things that we learn are confusing at first and it seemed that every time I’d just started to feel comfortable with one aspect, another would be shown to me.  I made the decision to talk openly about my neuro-divergence, to not hide it and I have gradually set free so many of the quirks that I have hidden deep within myself for 69 years.

Even to myself, I know it appears that I am ‘more autistic’; that my memory has become ‘worse’,  that I repeat myself more; that I am, to some people, a whole lot more annoying.  I sense it.  I know it.  Sometimes I see it in peoples’ faces.  This has been a problem for me.  I know that I remind people all the time of my quirks.  I know that the very reminder is annoying; but I also know that I have worn a mask, hiding who I am, for all of those years and I do not want to go back to not being who I am.  I have worked too hard to allow that to happen. 

All these hardships through almost 7 decades of living have given me so many life experiences and hardships.  SDAM has, in a way, become a blessing.  Most of the hardships are hidden in my day to day life.  Without a reminder my autobiographical memories don’t exist.  With a reminder, episodic memory rises up.  It is so very important to give myself a means to remind myself of my life. 

And so I observe.  And I write.

Welcome to my world.  Life as seen through a neuro-divergent mind.