There has always been a hole in my life.  Actually there have been several holes but they all kind-of blend together into what has, at times, been called my ‘Black Hole to Nowhere,’ but also my ‘Deep Dark Well of Despair.’

I first named the Black Hole when I was in my early 20’s when someone showed me a newspaper cutting about a stage show I had produced to raise funds to buy a fully-equipped ambulance.  Now, if you think about it, you don’t put on a stage show with 10 minutes preparation – it takes months of rehearsals, planning, staging, etc. – and I had absolutely no recollection of any of this.  Nothing.  There have been many black holes since then, although nothing quite so dramatic.  I finally was able to come to understand more a couple of years ago, when I realised I have SDAM – Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory. 

SDAM is a congenital mis-wiring in the brain where, basically, people cannot pull-back memories of their own self.  Couple this with multi-sensory aphantasia and you have a perfect recipe for black holes in the memory.

What happened with me is that, from childhood, I made stories about events, and those stories were almost always about the hard stuff.  I re-told the stories over and over again.  I have no memories of the actual events, just those repeating stories, and I worried that if I let go of the stories into the black hole, what would be left?  If I had no memory of I, would I just disappear? 

A couple of years ago I did start the journey to releasing those stories.  It started with learning about all the many neuro-divergent differences that form who I am, how I think and why I act as I do.  I found out why I go into melt-down and why I have been known to even get violent in large, noisy crowds.  I learned to accept the black hole.  But there was more I needed to understand.

About a year ago things in my world started to rock again.  My friendship with my ex-husband became strained and I depended on him a lot for support as I live with chronic pain.  He eventually moved out of our shared house, leaving me with the full rent to pay, without access to a vehicle and living in a rural town, with no public transport.  Even collecting my mail became a nightmare.   The Black Hole of Despair beckoned.

My spiritual practices started to slip.  Meditation went out the window and I even gave up on my 1000 days of reading the Tao Te Ching.  Life became one of survival.  And survive I did.  I did more than survive, I learned, probably for the first time in my life, how to be independent.  And I discovered that there are safety nets in this world. 

I’m an Aged Pensioner and I am without family – and I discovered that there are government schemes to provide help where needed.  I took advantage of those schemes and found that my worries could be solved.  I discovered people around me who are those very rare gems in this world – friends who will actually put themselves out to be of assistance.  I acknowledged my needs and discovered my town is filled with people who will help. 

Lao Tzu, in the Tao Te Ching, talks about ‘flowing like water.’ In more modern parlance we might talk about ‘going with the flow’ when things are uncertain.  I did that.  I learned not to panic when difficulties came, to simply accept them as part of the journey.  I learned to see beauty in the derelict building, in the over-grown garden, in the muddy pond.  I learned to accept my pain and I learned how to let go of the stories.  I learned how to unlearn the lessons of my younger years and instead of disappearing as I had feared, I found myself building stronger foundations.

Yesterday, my Teacher asked me how I was going with my Spiritual studies – what had I learned through this time of turmoil?

I have learned the value of the letter “W.”

I have learned that there may have been black holes in my life, but by doing the right work on self, with learning and unlearning, with flowing like water….

I made myself Whole.

Tao Te Ching. Chapter 48. Translation by John H. McDonald