Why do we struggle with life?  What is it that holds us here on this planet, even when things have become so very difficult.

I have been asking myself these questions recently.  I have family who have chosen to live without me in their lives, and who have never let me know why.  They just blocked me out of their lives a few years ago and that pain is dreadful.

Even my parents denied my very existence.  I am not worthy to be even mentioned in their Wills despite being their eldest child.  That pain is almost unbearable.

Other people have come into my life and moved on, as I have moved on from them – such is the very natural way of travelling through life. This, even as it hurts, I can clearly understand.

I carry so much pain in my heart and in my soul that I wonder why I still struggle to stay in what is, for an Elder such as me, God’s Waiting Room, especially when it is such a lonely place to exist within.  And when faced with maybe being there for another 20 years or more it becomes almost impossible.

There have been points throughout my life where I have given this question the deepest consideration, and there have been times when I have been ready to leave this existence.  Yet I remain. 

Why?

Because this world is beautiful. 

The people in this world, in all their diversity, are beautiful.

Because the doves sit on my fence and coo to each other and the honeyeaters splash in the birdbath. 

Because the tide goes out every day, exposing the mud which is the life source of the crabs and the mud-skippers, and just an inexorably the tide comes back in bringing even more life to the water in front of my home. 

Because the sun rises and sets, because the stars shine leading the soul into mystery.  Because the life-blood of this planet – water – keeps flowing and giving. Because the trees protect and the mountains offer majesty.

If I were to only look inside myself, I would only see the pain and the loneliness.  So I look outside myself and see so much that is simply glorious. 

Too often we humans only look within.  We seek answers within.  We think the knowledge within our minds, our hearts and our souls can give us all we need to survive and flourish. 

And we so often ignore the beauty that lies at our very feet, in the earth and in every being that we meet. 

Why?