Curiosities #5

A couple of weeks ago I wrote an article  called “Cycles” where I mentioned that I could feel the rising energy of a return of one of my cycles – one that was set to be a humdinger at the same intensity of what I call my “Initial Spiritual Awakening.”  These particular cycles in my life occur at regular intervals and every single time they are dramatic, traumatic, and life-changing.  And I wasn’t wrong – it was all these things.

There wasn’t any one thing that tripped me over into a huge meltdown, it was, rather, the combination of a whole heap of intense and emotionally traumatic events that together brought right to the front, all my deep-seated fears.

There was a lot involved:  potentially my lease would not be renewed and I’d not have anywhere to go (that is a major insecurity/fear for me); my housemate moving out had left me without transport in a town where there is no public transport, and the full financial load of the rent.  And I am waiting for some pretty serious surgery that should help reduce the chronic pain I have lived with for decades.  That was just the tip of the iceberg.  I was also at a crisis point in my spiritual journey.  Did I even want to continue or should I just pull my head in and forget the whole lot.  Yes, I got so bad I was planning how to leave this life.  This is also a part of this tough cycle, and is never something I would seriously consider – it’s more of a guideline of how much I am struggling.

BUT  I had support.  My spiritual teacher, Essence Ka tha’ras, was there with me.  She lives on the other side of the world to me, but with the awesomeness of technology, she talked with me for hours; sat with me through my tears, and helped me find a path through to the other side.  This person who I know primarily as a voice in my head (courtesy of Bluetooth), was my anchor to reality. 

The whole thing was over in a few days, and those days felt like years.  But, for the first time in decades of these cycles, I had understood that I was heading towards that meltdown, and this was also the first time where I knew that I am autistic – and that these things happen.  Autistic people get majorly overwhelmed, but this time I learned that the world will not end even if it feels like it will.

Like many of the hard things in life, when we have a better understanding, we actually are able to draw upon the tools that can help us.  This was the first time I have been able to do that.  Previously the fallout of such a meltdown could last months, simply because I didn’t know how to clamber out the other side.

Now, a few weeks out the other end of that event, I can look back and see what has transpired, and there is so much abundance.  My lease has been renewed and I find that I can afford to have this house just to myself – which is something I have been seeking for a long time.  I have so many friends who have come forward with offers to help with transport or anything else I might need.  My surgery is scheduled, but not for another year which gives me time to focus on getting into much better health. 

I seriously considered not studying any further on my spiritual journey and just staying where I am, but there is a driving force I recognise that tells me that I need to carry on – but perhaps a bit slower and with a change of focus.  That is all coming into place.

So why do I tell you all this personal stuff?  Because it is good to remember that however dark the world may seem at times, the darkness can be pushed back with light.  Light, for me, is represented by Hope, Acceptance, Belief, Compassion, Love; and as I look around myself, in the aftermath of my personal storm, I see all these things, and they are all aspects of Peace.

The hard times are just as important as the easier times.  Without them we would not understand just how many blessings we actually hold.